Well here is my story. My twin flame Shawn and I met 38 years ago, when we were 9 years old and in 4th grade. He used to pull my pigtails in school and I would cry to my teacher. She would tell me "when a boy pulls your hair it means he likes you." LOL Well he didn't know at the time but he did like me. We went to school together from grade 4-8. I developed a big crush on that bad boy, but he never knew. My family moved to a town called Langley and his family moved to the next town Newton. I had a school picture of him that I put on my wall and always told myself that I would marry him one day, I was a silly girl and didn't know that I was ever going to see him again. lol.. Little did I know that I would. (We aren't married yet, he hasn't even asked. We have a lot to work out first but we both know that we will be married within 3 years.)
In 1991, I met the father of my 2 youngest children, his name was Shawn. He was the 3rd Shawn that I had dated since I was 21. I guess I was searching for my twin without even realizing it. One day my boyfriend came home with one of his very good friends. I took one look at him and said " Shawn? oh my god. We went to school together" He said "Loretta, how the hell are you?" We caught up on lost time and the 3 of us laughed and joked. I told him how I had such a big crush on him when we were younger. We laughed about that too. We became friends. His girlfriend at the time became my best friend and I never pushed the thought of being with my twin out of my head. As the years passed my boyfriend and I had 2 children and our relationship turned toxic. We separated in 1998.
I lost my good friend as it goes in separations. My boyfriend kept my twin as his friend and I went my own way. I never expected to see my twin again. My twin had split up with his girlfriend long before my boyfriend. Her and I lost touch. Ten years later (now 2009) we connected again through Facebook,this time. I was searching for old school friends and came across Shawn (my twin). I sent him a friend request and before I knew it we were chatting. I was in a relationship at the time and he was married and had 3 daughters. A couple months later he left his wife after he found out she was cheating on him. My relationship had ended. I was oblivious to the fact that he was interested in dating me. I never thought he looked at me in that way and always thought of him to be way out of my league. Little did I know he was very interested and he was very much in my league. We began dating in Dec 2009. I was so surprised at how much he had changed. Unfortunately, his wife had turned him from this tough cool guy to a shell of a man. I have to admit it was hard to see him like that. He was afraid of what life was going to hand him next. I knew I had to help get the man I adored back. I spent the next 6 months showing him unconditional love, something I know he had never felt before. He loved my energy and I took him back to a place he hadn't been in a very long time. We fell in love. We did everything together. We had similar likes and dislikes. We hated being apart. I was staying at a girlfriends at the time and looking for a place of my own. He messaged me one day and said I found the perfect house, here's the address go have a look and tell me what you think. I went and saw the house, but immediately told him that it was out of my price range. He said if I cover bills and food he could cover rent. Holy crap!!! He asked me to move in together. I was so scared, I couldn't handle another broken heart. I decided to take the chance and just do it.
In May of 2010, we moved in together . We were madly in love. We spent every free minute together. We went hiking or camping every other weekend. We had his kids on the alternate ones and had the two youngest ones all the time as his wife worked out of town. This added some stress to our relationship as our parenting skills were very different. I have 5 children and raised them on my own. My oldest 3 were grown and out of the home and the youngest 2 were in high school. Shawn accepted my parenting his girls without a problem but the ex-wife took it as me trying to take her place in the girls lives. This wasn't my intentions, I wanted a good relationship with his girls because they were a part of him and if I loved him naturally I loved them. This did cause stress in our relationship and eventually I had my own insecurities. This caused me a world of heartache. I began having dreams of him going back to his ex-wife. I think I am very much in tune with the universe.
In Sept. 2010 he told me he had to move out. He said he was very confused. He was going to move into his sister's. I didn't know at the time that his ex-wife had told him that she wanted him back. My heart was shattered. I didn't know how I was going to make it without him. I was left in a house I couldn't afford, I thought the man I loved left because he was confused, I thought I did something wrong. A couple weeks after he moved out he told me about the email from her. He said she wanted to go to marriage counseling. Once again, my heart shattered. I broke down, screamed, begged and cried on the phone with him.I couldn't believe he could do this to me, to us. He told me he loved me and that what we had was beautiful, but if he didn't try he would always wonder if he could have made things work. I spent the next 3 months crying, not eating and withering away. I had dropped to 95 lbs. He kept in contact with me. Although he never asked me to wait for him, he would never fully let me move on. He saw me once a month and he slowly told me about his wife's wishes to work on the marriage she destroyed. He gave it another try, after all they have 2 girls together and the kids deserve a family.
As much as I hated it I understood I would have and have done the same for my kids.He moved back into their home a week before Christmas.He still continued to see me, talk to me, and email me. He still could not let go of me. I couldn't function, I lost my true love. My kids and friends were so worried because I was withering away. They all began to hate Shawn for this.
In January 2011, I went to see him. He wanted me to come spend the night (his wife was out of town) so I agreed. I told him it would be the last time we saw or spoke to each other, no more emails or anything. I told him that he had done what he needed to do for him and now I was doing what I need for me. I was going to stay strong. I was also making sure he never forgot me lol. We shared an amazing night together, he showed me the emails she wrote him and I understood more so why he left. She used the only thing she had that I didn't. She used his kids. The next morning I reminded him to please not contact me because I needed to move forward in my life. I walked out the door and didn't look back. I got in my car and drove home. He emailed me before I even got home. He thanked me for the night and said he just wanted to make sure I made it home safe. I responded and told him no more contact please. As the days went by I was feeling very empowered by what I had done. I knew it would bring him back to me. I knew in my heart our love was stronger than anything. I was going to be the runner now. He emailed me the next day, I didn't respond. He emailed again the next day, I didn't respond. On the 4th email I had my girlfriend email him and asked him to leave me alone. She told him that it was hurting me physically and emotionally and she could not watch me go through this anymore. If he wanted me, do the right thing, otherwise walk away. He emailed me again. This email was so incredible! This is the email he sent me...
"It is ok Loretta. I know she was just trying to look out for her friend cause that's what good friends do. anyway I couldn't read anything but the beginning cause i still had my old broken phone but I got the idea lol. I am sorry I emailed you. I thought that you didn't want to see me not talk to me as well. I hope when things are a little better for you we can keep in touch if it's not to hard. THIS IS SO HARD. After you left, I stayed home for two days and could think about nothing but you. I couldn't sleep or eat or anything, every song I hear on the radio reminds me of you. I phoned my mom and told her how much I don't want to be here and how much I love you and miss you and how you consume my every thought. All she could say is you can't leave those kids and that I should have thought things thru before I moved back. LEAVING YOU WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKES IN MY LIFE and one I will always regret. Now I sit here every day waiting for her to screw up so I can justify leaving. You are and always will be the GREATEST love of my life. I know that I love you and not her because everything is fine here and I’m just not happy and now know without a doubt, I never will be. If I could change it all I would. So now I’m praying for my own miracle and hope that my road leads back to you. I won't contact you anymore my love. I know how hard it is on you and now it is equally hard on me. I will be loving you always and forever and praying that one day I can hold you in my arms again and FINALLY treat you the way you deserved all along.
Love you my sweet girl
I contacted him, talked to him about this and told him we needed to get this sorted out so we could be together again. Well it took a couple months but March 5th 2011 he moved back in, he filed for divorce the next month. I thought we finally had our happiness.
Shawn has a daughter from one woman and then 2 daughters from his ex wife. These women were so jealous of us that they began to make life miserable for us. We all fought all the time. We fought over everything.
This caused Shawn and I to fight. We had a bad fight one day and the kids were there and they witnessed it all. Shawn left with the kids and spent his weekend at his sister's. His exes were so mad. They said I was never to see the girls again. I let them win. Shawn and I began couples counseling. We loved each other but were very afraid of what we became. We fixed all that was hurt and broken with us, but in the process of all this he moved back in with his sister. He thought he was fixing things with him and the kids by doing this but as a result he has made it worse with the kids and I. We stayed together during all of this. He would come to my home 5 days a week and every other weekend. We were to move in together Sept. 1, 2014 but we had another bump. I had started rebuilding a relationship with his oldest daughter and then out of the blue she said if I am around she won't come over anymore. This isn't because of anything I have done. This is because her mom is very jealous of the relationship I had with. her. I had given up. I was done, done with the drama, done with the baggage of his life. I was walking away from all of them. I had done everything, ass kissing, begging, humiliating myself to the ex wife by begging her for forgiveness. I didn't need this anymore. I broke up with him, told him what I think of him and his stressful life and not to contact me I was DONE! .......Ya that didn't work very well.
I couldn't stop thinking about him. I messaged him, less than 24 hrs. I asked him why this was so hard and he said it's because we were in love. We agreed we would talk to each other as friends. A few day later I came across this page. WOW!! I had started hearing the word twin flames recently so i had an idea what it was but when I read about them I knew this was us. I had Ciaran (RIP) do a twin flame reading and sure enough, he is my twin!
When I told Shawn about this I said our names are tattooed on each other's souls he said that's right and on our wrists. We have a puzzle tattoo on our wrist. Mine says his name and his says mine. It is the piece to my life that has been missing. I had a cutting of the cords to help with the ex's and Shawn is doing all that he can to fix things with his kids and I. He had a conversation with the oldest child's mom (she is 13 years old) He explained to her that I am here to stay and it would make things easier for their daughter if she would try and accept this. She lost her cool, but in the end she said if her daughter agrees to see me then she is fine with it. The only thing is she continuously puts me down to her and makes her feel guilty if she likes me. We tried hard to rebuild the relationship with the kids and I. Every step we'd make their mom's would wreck with their hatred for me.Shawn had decided we'd move back in together September of 2014 but we'd have to move into a different house and leave all the bad memories behind us. I agreed and began working toward this goal. In May of 2014 he again let me down and said he couldn't do it. Things weren't good enough with the kids. Once again I ended things with us.
One thing I have learnt through all of this is that when I turn into the runner, he chases hard. This isn't the case in all twin flame relationships and I wouldn't recommend doing this. It worked with us because it is the only way I can evolve fully. I completely found myself, I became a stronger more independent woman. This is what we both needed. He was constantly telling me that I was needy. I could never figure out what he meant by this.I wasn't needy by all means. I raised 5 kids on my own and didn't "need" anyone but him. I guess that made me needy to him. I learnt that I don't NEED him in my life, I want him in my life. The less I needed him the more he wanted me. Once again we agreed that we would move in together September of 2015. This time I put my foot down with him and put up conditions. I told him this was his last chance with me. Somehow he knew I meant it this time and that I was willing to walk away if he gave any excuse not to move in together. I told him I don't care if his kids don't want to come to our house, he can go visit them every other weekend. He wasn't walking out of their lives but if they didn't want to be a part of ours it was their choice. He wasn't to let the ex's control our happiness anymore. He agreed but was scared he would lose his kids forever. I promised him he wouldn't. I reassured him everyday that his kids loved him more than he thought. I think his ex's made him doubt. how much his girls love him.With the help from Carol, we worked hard at helping him fix our situation. Anytime he would have doubts I would go to her and get the reassurance he needed and share this with him. He started trusting in her and believing the way I did.
We ended up moving in together in August 2015. Shawn had told the kids we were moving in together and that we had a beautiful house. They were excited! He and I had assured them that our relationship was strong and healthy. We told them about everything we had done to fix things.They were very accepting of us being together and very willing to give this a try. The exes were told about this. The mom to the 2 youngest kids took all 3 camping the weekend we moved. Two days before he was due to pick up the kids for his weekend visit we got messages for both women that the kids weren't coming, they didn't want to and they would NEVER come to our home.
Shawn was devastated,the one thing he was scared would happen did. I went to Carol who reassured me that everything would work out, I reassured him. Things weren't ideal, he wasn't happy without his kids and I was being neglected by him.This caused us to argue and caused me to want to run. I explained this to him. Eventually the kids started coming.
Things slowly got better with the kids but not with us. I started to feel like I made a big mistake. I knew the twin flame journey was hard but I had enough of it. I told Carol how I was feeling. I told her I was done and wanted to leave him. I told her I wasn't happy. She did some work with Shawn. She did call outs, we didn't even know she was doing this! He responded to them but it wasn't enough. I still wanted to leave him. I was still done with it all. I still wasn't happy when he was around anymore. She asked me if I have ever yelled at him before? The one and only time I ever yelled at him didn't go very well. That was when we had our big fight. She told me it was time to yell! I did, not very loud but loud enough to get my point across. It worked. This woman never is never wrong when it comes to Shawn and I. It is like she is living our life and knows how everything will turn out. Shawn and I have learnt to trust Carol and rely on her when we need guidance or reassurance in our everyday lives or in our relationship. I believe that if I didn't come across Carol and the twin flame page almost 3 years ago, Shawn and I would not be together today. This has been a very hard road but our love has gotten stronger through it all. We have both learnt many lessons on this journey and we know that our future is one of happiness.
I am sorry my story is so long but the twin flame journey is just that, a long one. It is not for the weak of heart. If you are willing to make it a go be prepared for a crazy ride, one that I promise will be
worth it all in the end. When I told Shawn I was writing our story for Carol's page he told me " tell her the story isn't done yet. We still have to get married." This man is the love of my life. I have lots of things in this world that make me feel happy and loved but he makes me feel complete. He is the piece of the puzzle of my life that was missing. He has completed my puzzle.
© Carol Mary 2016
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Carol Mary's thoughts on love and this journey we call life!